Let's Talk About This

Warning: For some of you, this may be uncomfortable to discuss, so please feel free to stop reading at any time, or to simply not read at all.

For others, this may be potentially triggering, and therefore ineffective to a general sense of well-being. If at any time you feel like you are being triggered, I would ask that you would stop and engage your mind in another activity, preferably one that engages your senses.

If you have any questions regarding anything you read here, please feel free to comment or send me an email.


I listened to the podcast of the Radio From Hell from Thursday. Every Thursday they have a feature called "Ask A," where they bring on different people from different situations and experiences and you can ask them questions.

Thursday's feature was Ask A Cutter. It was a really good podcast and if you have questions and want to hear another perspective, I would recommend it. They had a guy on to talk about his experience with cutting. His name is Dave and he has a blog where you can link to the podcast (click here).

One thing I noticed from listening was that there is a lot of misunderstanding, so I decided to do my own version of Ask A Cutter. Again, if you're not comfortable with this, I suggest you stop reading here.


MY EXPERIENCE

I don't want to go into a lot of detail here, so if you have specific questions, feel free to comment of email me.

Here's the basics though. I used to be a cutter. I first cut myself when I was fourteen. I can't really explain why it happened or where the idea came from. I remember that I was upset. The emotions I felt in that moment were so intense and I didn't know how to handle them. I saw my scissors and distinctly remember thinking that if I could hurt on the outside, I wouldn't hurt as much on the inside. I still know which scar was from that very first cut.

I spent the next eleven years fighting and giving in to the urge to hurt myself. Once I started, it was very difficult to stop. Temporarily, cutting works. But it's very temporary. Soon I had to cut more often and at a greater intensity to get the same result. Then it turned into a vicious cycle.

I mostly cut on my arms but occasionally I would cut my legs. In a few instances, I even cut my neck. I estimate that I've had to get about sixty stitches because of self-injury. It was a huge event in my life to be a cutter. And it wasn't easy to let go of it.

It has now been just over two years since I last cut myself. Through some incredible support and an incredible program, I was able to learn the tools I needed to deal with tough emotions. It has been really rewarding to learn how to live again.

WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS?

The reasons for cutting vary from person to person and from situation to situation. The same person can have different reasons for cutting. Each self-injury experience can be for a different motive.

Most other cutters that I have met cut as a release. It frees you from an intense emotional experience. It transfers what you feel in the inside to what you feel on the outside, and if you can see it, you can deal with it better.

Some people cut to control what is happening to them. They feel their personal lives are chaotic and they can't manage the stress and pressure coming at them. They can't control it and they don't know how to deal with it. But they can control where they hurt, how they hurt, how deep and how long to cut. Some of this is also the mentality that "if I hurt myself first, it won't be as bad if someone else hurts me later."

Some people cut to feel something. They have gotten so good at pushing their emotions away that a numbness consumes them. When they cut, they feel.

Some people cut themselves because of the attention they get from other people. Somewhere in their life, they are not feeling important and valued, and cutting themselves gets them the attention they are looking for. It could come from a friend, a family member, or a nurse or doctor.

You should also know that a cutter isn't trying to kill themselves. Suicidal tendencies may be present but usually it's more suicide ideation. There is a big difference between a suicide attempt and a cutting episode. While both are considered self-harmful behavior, the motivations are completely different. A suicidal person is trying to die. A cutter is actually trying to find a way to live.

Somewhere along the way, a person who cuts has missed learning how to cope with powerful emotions. We all have emotions and we all feel them. We experience them at different levels of intesity based on both the environmental situation and the natural chemistry of our brains. A cutter does not know how to cope with what is going on in a healthy and safe way. Cutting is their outlet.

HOW DO YOU HELP A CUTTER?

First, it's good to be upfront about the situation. It's going to be uncomfortable for everyone, so know that going in. Be honest. Tell the person who is cutting that you really don't know how to approach it, but let them know that you are coming from a place of concern and caring.

ABOVE ALL, DO NOT USE GUILT TACTICS. In most cases, a person who cuts is already carrying a great amount of shame. They cover their cuts and scars so that no one else can see them. I know for me, I felt terrible about it all the time. I already felt ashamed. I already felt guilty. The last thing I needed was another situation where I didn't feel safe. If you can create a sort of safe haven in conversation, it will go a long way towards getting a cutter to open up to you and to let you help them.

It's a big emotional load, one that you may not be able to handle on your own. It's always a good idea to get a trained professional involved, especially if the amount of cutting and the cuts themselves are severe. Be the one who waits in the waiting room. Be the one who buys ice cream after a therapy session. But know your limits. If you try to take on the emotional pain of a cutter and then can't handle it a month later, it's going to do more damage than good to the person you are trying to help. That's going to lead to more guilt, more shame, more feelings of "I'm not good enough to save."

You don't have to understand all the reasons why, but don't pretend like you understand if you really don't.

Be honest, be firm, and be validating.

WHERE DO I GET HELP?

There is a non-profit organization called To Write Love On Her Arms. The mission of this organization is to provide help and hope for people struggling with depression, self-injury, addiction, and suicide. For their website, click here.

There are also numerous websites to help you find a therapist. Just google "therapist" or "find a therapist" and you will be able to access multiple directories with helpful information.

If you have insurance, your insurance can often provide you with a list of in-network and approved out-of-network therapists.

You can always reach out to others too. Email me. Talk to me. Or go to Dave's blog and talk about your experience there. Don't keep it all inside. You don't have to do this alone.


I am a survivor. I may not necessarily be proud of how I survived, but I did. I don't always regret it anymore either. I think being a cutter has given me a unique perspective. I know that I am strong now. I know that there are better ways to deal with tricky things. I still get the urge to cut. I don't know if that will ever go away. But I know that I don't have to give in to that urge. I can squeeze ice cubes instead.

If you are a cutter or you know someone who is, it's okay to get help. You are not broken, you are beautiful, and deserve to experience beauty instead of pain.