The Birthday Post

February 9, 2010: Amy's 27th birthday

Where I am now is not where I imagined I would perhaps be when I turned 27. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. I think this last year has been one of tremendous insight, self-discovery, and hard work. And I made it another year.

My perceived notion of who I would be at 27 had me in some sort of a career, successful, married, self-sufficient. I saw myself as an adult, grown-up and responsible. I thought I would have things figured out. I thought I would be confident in myself. I thought I would be comfortable in my own skin.

Hmmm...

What I know about myself now is not the same as what I originally thought. I've learned that I have to do things in my own time, when I'm ready. I look at my school situation, for example. I went to college after high school not necessarily because I wanted to, but because it's just what you did. And it didn't work out so well for me. I didn't do well in classes, I wasn't motivated, and quite frankly I wasted my parent's money. Now I'm back in school because I am ready, because I want to be there, because now it's something that is important to me.

I never really thought of myself as stubborn, but I'm learning that I do have a stubborn streak. I wouldn't consider myself a rebel necessarily, but I don't like to run with the pack. I want to do things for my life in my own way.

And the more I realize how important that is to me, the more it doesn't matter what other people think of me.

Sure, it's nice to have people you care about see you in a positive light, but if I can't live with myself, what's the point of that? Why should I be more worried about what someone else thinks of me than how I think of myself? Are they more important than I am?

The last year has been kind of exciting, because I have been learning that I need to be and can be important to myself. I feel like that insight has given me more control of my life and more enjoyment from what I can shape my life into. That's a lot different from how I've been in years past. I've always been a people pleaser, and I've always tried to do what was expected of me. I'm a quiet person who doesn't like confrontation and would rather pass the limelight on to someone who actually wants it. But I stand in the shadows because I want to, and I stand there in a way that is mine.

So at 27, I'm probably still learning how to be an adult. And even though I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, I would consider myself successful. After all, I'm still here. I've lived through some difficult years and I've got the scars to prove it. I know that life is what you make of it, and I've gotten a taste of how good life can be.

I think it can only get better.